Wednesday, June 2, 2010

a day in the life of a criminal

In case you were wondering, it costs 25 bucks to renew your license.
Not only was I unaware of this fact today, I was also unaware that my license had expired in the first place.
So, on down to the DMV I frolicked with no cash in hand to get a new license.
Conversation at the counter goes as follows:
Mrs. DMV: "That will be 25 dollars."
Me: (pretends to open wallet knowing there's nothing in there) "Oh. Well. I actually don't seem to have cash on me. Can I bring it back later?"
Mrs. DMV: "No, we can't give you a license until you give us 25 dollars."
Me: "Well umm okay. Be right back."
Turns out they can't do IOUs there and you're not allowed to leave once you have turned your expired license in.
So there I was, approximately 3:05 pm at the DMV. Not legally able to leave the premises until I was able to get 25 doll hairs. Of course my first thought is "hey, maybe I should call one or both of my parents to see if they could bring it to me real quick." I decided to try that theory out.
Turns out it was an incorrect assumption because Robbie, warmly referred to on occasion by myself as Dad, was busy at the moment and couldn't be there until 4 pm which left me helpless, confused, and so very alone for about an hour. It was the same story with Mom.
That was when I decided I had a choice to make. I could either: a) stay put and try and work through the deep depression I was slowly sinking into caused from the abandonment by my parents or b) make a run for it and pray that they don't arrest me for intentionally driving without a license.
Of course, being the daredevil I am, I went with choice b.
So there I was. In a race against time and the police all for an expired license.
I would like to take a moment here to question as to why they don't send out reminders that your license is going to expire soon. Yes, I'm aware that the expiration date is clearly listed on the license, but who actually reads the information on the license besides law enforcement and people trying to memorize the information on their fake ID? And if they do send out reminders, I am obviously in the dark and it was more than likely sent to my house and my parents assumed that I already knew the information. Remember what assuming does to you and me....
Back to the story. There I was, a bandit on the loose. A criminal trying to make her life right again racing back to the place I sometimes call home. I speed as safely as I can (and by safely I mean avoiding cops) to the house. I dash from my car, sprinting with all my might to my door and who is walking out of the door? You've got it, the Jolly Green Giant himself. My dad.
In a still anxious race against the clock he throws me the bills and back to my car I sprint.
Mind you, it's about 105 degrees outside and humid. Welcome to the South.
As my daring dash continues on, I'm speeding down Broad Street. Passing cars left and right.
Slamming on breaks for the sneaky cops appearing out of nowhere (I passed 4 on the way back, they knew something was up). Finally I sprint back into the DMV praying that no one noticed I was gone. Confidently stroll up to the counter and hand over the 25 doll hairs. Lady gets me to sign some papers and tells me to walk over to the blue screen where my photograph will be made.
Since, I made it under the radar, I'm obviously feeling pretty good about myself. Therefore assuming that I look pretty good too. Also assuming my picture is going to look pretty good too. As she counts to 3 I flash what I'm so positive is a grammy winning glimmering smile.
(Remember what I said assuming does?)
Anyways, Mrs. DMV tells me to have a seat until my license is done printing. I wait probably around 2 minutes before I hear the magic word: "SPEAKS." and she hands my brand new, labored over, license to me.
As I look down at the picture (obviously the first thing I check on it) I realize that I was totally wrong about everything involving it. Not only do I not look pretty good in the photo, I look pretty bad. My hair is sticking out at weird angles, my face is flushed from running all over creation, and I seem to have developed a double chin of sorts. Also I should add that I look as pale as the linoleum floor I'm standing on.
Needless to say, I'm outraged. Not only did I exert effort in the summer heat, I also paid 25 bucks for probably the worst picture ever taken of me.

What I learned from this experience:
1) Don't renew your license. It leads to heartache and possibly arrests. And unattractive photos.
2) When I see yellow lights I don't slow down or speed up. I continue at my normal pace and don't usually stop. I find this weird. Which means it's probably extremely weird since most people don't think weird things they do are weird. So, if you think something about you is weird it probably is very abnormal.
3) Once I'm 21 I will probably still get denied at bars because the picture on my legitimate ID looks like I'm 13 years old. No one will believe it. I would probably be better off keeping a fake for the rest of my life.

PS- Andy Samberg if you're reading this, you're the only man I'll ever considering a marriage proposal from. I'm ready when you are.

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